The meaning of life

I've been wondering a lot about the meaning of life lately.

I no longer understand what we are doing here on this Earth, suffering. I'm sorry to appear so negative.. As I have always had easy happiness, I believe, I am really in shock at the series of disasters that continue to fall on my head. When is it supposed to stop?

As if the loss of my son wasn't already the greatest ordeal of a lifetime, does it have to continue?! I often think of the expression When it rains it pours. As if misfortune could not come alone but brought with it all the torments. How long will I have the energy to keep fighting? To keep moving forward to finally see a ray of light?

At the end of May, we had a meeting with the hospital to explain the situation that caused Alexandre's death. I don't want to dwell on the details but I realized lately that I had been burying a horrible anger for all these weeks, without realizing it too much. By literally collapsing with my boyfriend one evening not long ago, I understood how bad I was.

Especially since I also lost my psychological follow-up at the end of May, due to hospital budget cuts. I thought I was strong enough to go on alone for a while. I was royally mistaken.

I found a therapist whom I finally met last week. I was a little discouraged to start telling my whole story again. And in addition everything that has been added since. I was recounting the many events that have accumulated since Alexandre's departure and I was a little taken aback myself. The therapist shed a few tears and seemed really shaken by everything I was telling her. It must be said that she also lost a child and that the subject can still be painful.. But to tell all this and to see how normal she thought it was for me to feel this way! II felt better. I thought so much that I was going to go crazy!

Last weekend, we went to Kamouraska to look for Alexandre's urn. I have been working since January with Josée Bourgouin, woodturner, to create this artwork for our son. It was a long process but the end came perfectly on time for me. Josée is a fantastic person who offered us incredible support in our journey. Having started her business following her first urn made for her baby who also left too quickly, it must be said that we understood each other. But she is so wise, she really inspired and comforted me in each of our many discussions. How lucky we were to cross her path! Our meeting in her workshop to finalize the last details of the urn deeply calmed me down. On the way home, I finally felt that the stone that had taken control of my heart for the past few weeks was gently breaking. The rays of the sun caressed my face and I finally felt a warmth on my heart. I thought to myself that maybe things would get better. I saw hope.

But the ugly saying got back in my way. For the last 48 hours, everything has collapsed. Two separate events happened that really shocked me. I cry at not knowing how to handle myself anymore and I try by all means to find a therapist to talk to quickly, my new therapist being on vacation.

I try to remain patient, to live with my pain and my anger and to tell myself that it will eventually get better, but I begin to wonder when I too will have the right to find peace. I feel infinitely alone and lost.

What is the point of being on this Earth, in the middle of an infinite galaxy, to live our life, our joys and our sorrows? I've probably gone too far in my thoughts. But for now, I'm thinking very hard about the meaning of life.