#BellLetsTalk

I open my social networks this morning and I realize that it's Bell Let's Talk Day #BellLetsTalk.

I see a video of several artists explaining what’s good for their mental health. Talking, sharing, calling a friend, come up often. It talks me because that's exactly what I'm trying to do in my personal life but also on a larger scale with this blog. I have been really moved by the messages and comments received since I dared to talk about my website. Honestly I was really shy about it at first but I felt like I had to do it. To receive messages from people to whom I do not necessarily speak in my daily life but who have taken the time to read me and share with me how I have touched them, it does me a lot of good. I selfishly choose to do what makes me feel good right now.

And on this day to open the conversation about mental health, I also reflect on what I'm going through. A person close to me who loves me very much and who was in no way ill-intentioned asked me if I was going to have medication to support me, when the shock of Alexandre's death arrived. I was really surprised at the time. But I also understood that for some people, the immense pain I was going through could be associated with depression, and it's true that it can look alike.

During a session with the psychologist from Ste-Justine who currently offers us services, she brought up the subject. That bereavement is not depression, even if several symptoms can be associated with it. Some people can even sometimes voluntarily or involuntarily remain in sadness for a very long time to remind themselves not to forget their baby, not to end the mourning. Yet it is never forgotten.

Some people may think that I seem to be doing quite well, I publish texts, photos of me where I have a smile, I renovate furniture.

I would rather say that I am functional. The pain is still present and immense. Every night, I tell my boyfriend how much I miss Alexandre, so much. It even seems to get worse the more time passes. I since live in a weird bubble. I spend my days at home with my boyfriend, we are not currently working. Every time I have to leave the house to go to the grocery store or the dentist, it's overwhelming. I see other people's lives that seem to revolve normally around me, the strollers and baby shells that I see everywhere, and it hits hard. Getting the question from the dentist, when I'm sitting in the hallway waiting for x-rays, "how was your delivery?"

I feel like my life path has taken a parallel path to the rest of the people. I feel on a different road.

I don't know if I will one day return to the main road or if I will stay on this marginal path.

For all those who are currently experiencing difficulties, whether related to mental health or difficult events in your life, talk, write, call someone. It is important. You are important.