One more

It was my birthday yesterday.

I am now 33 years old. I would like to keep saying that I am 32, even though I know very well that it does not change anything.

As far as I can remember, I have always been afraid of not being able to have children. I have no idea why I had this fear when I was young, fear of being infertile especially (it was my only scenario in mind, there was finally another one in the bank for me…).

I was for several years in a couple where it didn't happen and in the end it was for the for the best (separating and having a child, the step-mom that I am confirms to you that it is not great at all). So I passed the milestone of my thirty years single and childless.

30 years old was really my mental limit for having children. At least one.

A few days after this famous 30th birthday party, I met the man of my life, Michael. Right at the beginning we talked about having children. But there were still things to settle in his life (I told you that it's complicated to separate with a child, right?) and we wanted to wait to finalize this before bringing a child into the world. So two years passed before we tried it and in a few months I got pregnant, rather quickly. The greatest happiness in the world, finally. My fear was unfounded.

After what happened at the birth of my beautiful Alexandre, I lost my illusions a lot.

My fear of not being able to have children came back again. And this damned extra year on the calendar of my life is playing in my head.

Will I have the privilege, the chance, to be able to give birth to a child and then have the opportunity to see him grow, to love him, to educate him and to make him a responsible and independant adult? I hope so.

At the same time, I don't want to believe it too much, I can't live with more disappointment. I learned the hard way that life isn't fair. Why do we think otherwise? It's weird because it's not written anywhere that life should be fair. Now I realize it.

I can spin around in this fear and negativity for a long time. And when I stop and realize that this life that I find rough on me has also put the love of my life in my path (and I believe that unfortunately not everyone is so lucky), I have to to keep hope.

Tomorrow is another day and the sun continues to rise every morning.

This morning, I am 33 years old. I am still young and I have my life ahead of me.