The guilt

Monday evening, 6 p.m.

I finished work, normal day. Nothing special to report.

However, I stress and worry. My boyfriend tries to talk to me and entertain me but nothing works.

He offers to make me a good bath and go relax. He knows me so well!

He takes care of putting candles everywhere, installs a small table for me and serves me a glass of white wine. He adjusts the water, puts bubbles for me. He sets up the speaker in the bathroom with soft spa music.

I step into the hot water, admiring all the sweet touches and I think to myself: Wow, the dream, this is going to feel so good!

And suddenly it hits me. A mom of a soon to be 5 months old boy shouldn't really have time for that. It hits me in the face that if I have this beautiful set-up for me, it's because I lost my son and I can no longer manage my emotions. I feel guilty for my thinking.

And the tears flow now, in front of this beautiful setting, in my bath. The guilt of having fun, of enjoying life, now interferes in my daily life.

It's sneaky, vicious, and it adds a layer of unnecessary pain. And yet, it's so important to take care of yourself, I'm well aware of that.

It hurts. It hurts so bad. Don't try to imagine though! It wouldn't help. Keep this energy to support me if you feel for it rather than hurting you unnecessarily.

What disturbs me the most these days is that the people I meet and see again since I gave birth do not wish me their sympathy.

If one of my parents died, everyone I met would wish me their condolences the first time they saw me. It's obvious.

And there, my son died and no one said anything, we acted as if nothing had happened.

Don't you find that a bit crazy? While I am certainly going through the most difficult grief of my life, the support is disappearing, melting like snow in the sun.

I’m aware that the death of a child is so terrible that it is probably fear that prevents people from taking the step, offering the words. But please push past your fear and be there for the parents who are going through this kind of thing. Your inaction causes far more harm than the clumsiness of not addressing it correctly.

I'm thinking of ways to raise awareness about perinatal loss since certainly the inaction of those around you adds a layer of sadness and anger to a bereavement that is already impossible to live with. We'll see what will come out of that..

I return to my bubbles and my meditation but it did me good to put words on my emotions. It soothes.